Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Fight

I have fought with major depression for as long as I can remember and today it's hitting me full force. The last few weeks I've been having problems with my anxiety and anger especially with my daughter. It's not like I've hurt her, it's just I hear her talking (she is really loud), she doesn't listen or she gets in my face and I can't handle it. I have anxiety medicine but I hate having to rely on medicine so that I can be a normal person.

I see all these parents who are patient, loving, kind and I'm so jealous. Sometimes I'm that way but for the most part I'm not. I don't know what to do anymore...

I have prayed, I read the bible everyday and it helps, but I guess I need a little more help. I have been off of my medications for my depression for awhile now, but I can see that it's time to start them again. It makes me sad that I can't function without medication, but it's what's best for me and my family. I love my daughter with all my heart and I feel like such a failure of a mom for having these problems. My mom was never like this and I feel like I should be just like her. She loved having kids and no matter what was going on in her life she loved us and never got so angry or anxious with us.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else, but that's really hard to do. I just hope Erin doesn't grow up to despise me because of my problems. I know that at 4 yrs old she already has had to deal with so much from me and I feel so guilty for that.

Sorry this isn't about weight loss but it's all a process and everything ties in with each other. Here's to healthy choices!!! I love you Erin!!


  1. I was going to comment yesterday and I wrote some things, had second thoughts and deleted and didn't write or send.

    I think you're a very wise girl to go back on your meds, not just for your daughter but for yourself as well. It would be a shame if your little girl was affected by what's happening to you if it could be avoided. I speak as a person who was extremely affected by my mothers actions from my earliest memories until today.
    Maybe some time in the future, you will be able to go off them again, there will be no harm in trying later on.

    Yesterday you wrote about missing your mum terribly and I was going to say how much I envied you your relationship with your mum. Obviously it was one of love and trust and I'd rather have had that and missed my mum like you do than the toxic relationship I have with my mother.
    Please don't take any of this the wrong way because that's not how I mean it. I really hope you are happy and make more good choices for yourself.
    Unfortunately, you can't see me or hear me and it's hard to get smiles and inflections into a comment!!! :):):)

  2. why do you go off the meds?? those are important. you need to stick with em, consider them a priority.
    also i'm sure your mom had bad days just like us all. :)

  3. Hugs.. I do not know what to say to bring you some comfort.. Just know that there are no "perfect" parents. I have three boys, as a mom I have made mistakes, somtimes I am grumpy,and loud.. Just being able to share how you are feeling can help. There is no judgement when you need to be on medication, you are recognizing that you need some help! Thats OK... Hang in there better days are ahead!!!

  4. You should stay on your meds. Depression runs in my family and I know how hard things can get with kids. There are no "perfect" parents so just realize those things that you do right and then work on the things that you want to improve. The great thing about kids, is how forgiving and understanding they can be.

  5. You are a good mom! Some people just need extra help in the form of medication. You know that it makes all of you happier when you are on them and if those aren't the right ones, you can ask to try a different one until you are satisfied. If any person ever told you they don't get annoyed, angry, or "tired" of their kids they are LYING!

    Your mom probably had bad days, she was just good at hiding it or having another way of dealing with it. Everyone is different and deals with it differently.
    Love ya girly!

  6. Hi, I'm bipolar, and my mom suffered from depression my entire life. I don't have many happy memories with her, my therapist disagrees with me on this point, but sometimes we don't care enough about ourselves to do what's best because we are so beaten down by life. Sometimes, I think that doing the right thing because you want to give someone else a better life is totally okay and worth it.

    My bf was my reason. Once he moved in with me, I saw what a pain I was, I was 19, and I got on meds, and stayed on them, even when they didn't work, it took 5 years to find something that did. He never left though, because I was trying at the very least. It's all we can do really.

    It's not a weakness to take meds. You can see depression signs on an MRI, it's a physical illness just like any other. I did go off meds for a bit due to fears of long term effects, but I needed them a bit later and decided that I was so much better off taking the chance.

    I hope you feel better soon. Depression is not a character flaw, and none of my friends who are moms ever feel like they always have things under control. They probably don't tell that to their friends who have kids though, so the people you think are so perfect are probably not. I'm childfree, so I think they feel like I won't judge them like another mom would, and I dont.


  7. I have also struggled with depression for years. I often feel anxious about how I respond to my daughter. My mom is also the most wonderful,SELFLESS mother. She naturally just gives and gives. She never complains, etc. I sometimes have no patience, raise my voice, get angry, etc. I pray through moments like this to remember I am guiding and molding my daughter for her future.

    At times, my depression makes me want to just go in my room and sleep.I do not want people around, do not want to be hugged, etc. I have to fight to push those feelings away. I also turn to The Bible and prayer. I feel God's peace and will have a great week or two and then will feel down again. It is hard not to feel discouraged when you pull yourself out of a dark time and then return there. I know exactly how that feels. You just get tired of it! There is no choice but to keep on fightng.

    I do take medication and have for years. It is so hard to find the right combination. I have never felt weak taking my medication. I know there is no way I could live without it. I would encourage you to find another medication, if you are not liking the one you were on.

    Please know you are not alone. You are a loving mother. I also have a 4 year old daughter. Everyday is a new day filled with hope!

  8. I think it's unfortunate that you have to be on medicine, but it by no means makes you wrong. Being on medicine is just what your body needs to feel balanced. And feeling balanced is going to help you be the wife, mom and friend that you were created to be. Try not to associate shame with the medication. There is no shame in doing what it takes to be the best mother you can be!